Fiction Revision - U and D

Jayson Scott is nothing if not average. In fact, his social status is simply that: average. Average life in an average town west of Plano, Texas. Nothing special. (D)

     Jayson works nights at the 7/11 on Broad Street. Nothing out of the ordinary for the 22 year old college drop out. Most nights are slow but this night was especially boring. Three customers: the hot cheerleader from his high school Becky Taylor with her dumb ass boyfriend Jeremy Sox and some old man begging for smokes with only enough change for gum. (D)

     "Tell ya what," Jason remarks. "I'll give you a pack of smokes if you do me one favor." (U)

     "Yes?" the man asks. (D)

     "Come back after you find out who's playing at the Door and tell me, will ya?" (U)

     "Of course! Sure! Can I have Camel?" (U)

     I reach for the little brown box as he nods his head like a bobble figure. As he leaves in a dash I think to myself 'I was always taught to treat others the way I'd like to be treated. You know; Catholics. Lot of nothing but sitting and standing with strange chanting and something about bloody wine. Lot of whining going on in that church. Too much for me. I gave it all up years ago. Now the only thing I believe in is that flying spaghetti monster...that is if I ever catch the darn thing. As for God, I despised him. What a fucking hypocrite. Spouts a lot of shit about loving but when its his turn to love he just sends plagues. (U/D)

     An hour passes before the man comes back. (D)

     "I know who's playing!" he shouts as he slaps a flier on the counter. (U)

     "Nine Eleven to Panama, Calipso, Drugged by the Nails, and...what is this shit?!" (D)

     I raise an eyebrow to the man. He's written in a band on the flier: Jesus Loves You. My heart sinks a moment as it recalls my former religious zealous now snuffed by years of insecurity and uncertainty. (U)

     "Haven't you heard son? Jesus loves you...he loves all man. I wanted to thank you for being so kind to me. No one is ever so kind." (U)

     He begins to cry in front of me. I get very uncomfortable but am unable to tell him to shut up. He's gripping a cross so tightly his hands turn a ghostly white. He wipes his eyes, realizing I'm not a Christian, and drips them on my sleeve. (U)

     "I baptize you in the name of the..." (U)

     "What the fuck are you doing?! Get out of my store!" (U)

     I chase him out of the store and push him to the ground. I shiver with fear and anger at the man. I'd been baptized when I was four. I don't remember much more than icy water from a creek drowning me. My parents had to take me to the hospital. They claimed I rejected the healing power of Christ but how could I? I was four for Christ's sake. (U)

     As he once again dashes out of sight, I notice a glimmer on the ground. His crucifix broke off the chain and sits with chipped edges. It's made of electrical wire and two nails. I stare at it in my hands and a flashback hits me. I'm laying in bed drinking Jack Daniels with my boyfriend Daniel. We're smoking and discussing the occult when he turns to me in tears. I question what's wrong and he tells me he's devout. Has been for years and can't believe my feelings. I tell him I can't accept a God that would punish me with homosexuality. He punches me in the chest and runs out of the room. I call him later and he wont answer. I run into him one week later and he's wearing a cross for the first time since I knew him. It was a simple wooden plank colored with a rainbow. He agrees to talk to me. We sit in swings and discuss how religion isn't about separation but instead about unity, charity, and faith. I told him I'd run out of faith many years ago and I'd given up on myself. (U)

     "Give up on me. There's nothing you can say to make me change my mind. Until people accept us...until God accepts what he did to me...I'll never forgive him. I can't love him and I'm definitely not accepting him. I don't need people like that in my life." (D)

     Looking down at the nails I remind myself why I don't care for Christ. How can that man have such faith? How can he have such conviction to believe God loves him? God doesn't love anyone. If God loved me...he'd bring Daniel back. He'd accept gays and make the world that unified bullshit Daniel kept dreaming of. (D)

     Walking back into the store I notice Daniel grabbing a candy cane. It was December. Outside it was snowing fiercely. If you stepped outside your vision would be as blind as my confusion. I drop the cross and Daniel looks my direction. Standing there I thought...'Did I just get a prayer answered?' (U)

     "Hello Jayson. Still as big a douche as ever?" (D)

     Daniel threw the candy cane on the counter as I stepped behind it in what seemed like a distant world. (U)

     "Did...did I just wish you here?" (D)

     "What the fuck Jayson? Are you high on the job? I knew you were a horrible person but this is a new low. Even for you." (D)

     I told him about the man who entered before him and about the poster still sitting on the counter. Daniel actually listened the entire time. Didn't say a word. He just kept looking at me like I was crazy until I finished. He grabbed his candy, took a bite and said, "You know what this means, right?" (U)

     I couldn't understand what he could have meant. I just shook my head like a moron. Confused and scared. (U)

     "You met Jesus...and threw him out of the store. You threw Jesus out of 7/11. Wow. Jayson, you truly are the scum of the earth." (U)

     Daniel was chuckling at me. I started laughing too. How absurd. Jesus...in our store? Then again...he did have long hair and was poor. As I contemplated all of this Daniel grabbed my hand and pulled me outside. It was snowing now. Where the man had fallen there was a snow angel. It was the strangest thing. Daniel kept laughing at these phenomenon. (U)

     "Told you dude. You fucking threw Jesus out of Heaven." (U)

Final Poetry - Family Portrait

A girl with a white dress smiles brightly at the camera,

a boy's dimples pucker in his grin,

a baby's lips blow-up in a tiny 'coo,'

and proud parents mother and father hold them closely.

 This family appears so happy

without a care in the world of the future.

<<new stanza needed, perhaps, b/c of the shift in time and perspective??

I sit inside my apartment, feet dangling off my bed, cigarette in hand

as I pull from a shoe box a photograph

and reflect on who these people must have been twenty years ago.

I can nearly hear their voices,

whispers now,  as if distant memories.

Where did we lose ourselves?  <good question

When did we become so distant?  <yes

Flash. The picture:  taken.

The Our family is frozen with smiles on their faces.

Every time I see it I smile.  <a better ending<let readers end w/ the smile too<

Remembering a family portrait that used to be

immortalized in a flash.

Nice work, Randy.  Again, review my comments for direction.  And stop smoking; it's going to kill you one day:)  (No extra charge for the sage health advice!!!)  Gary

Family Portrait

A girl with a white dress smiles brightly at the camera,

a boy's dimples pucker in his grin,

a baby's lips blow-up in a tiny 'coo,'

and proud parents hold them closely.

 This family appears happy

without a care in the world of the future.

I sit inside my apartment, feet dangling off my bed, cigarette in hand

as I pull from a shoe box a photograph

and reflect on who these people must have been twenty years ago.

I can nearly hear their voices,

whispers, now distant memories.

Where did we lose ourselves? 

When did we become so distant?

Flash. The picture:

Our family is frozen with smiles.

Every time I see it I smile.

Final Poetry - Lightbulb

title? 

The Light glistens on my skin

Glitters like a mirror, reflecting only copies of reality  <cool line

When I stare into it I see the filament

Burning bright orange

The glass is thin and fragile

Like my skin it burns to the touch

A warmth that fills your vision

Like a snake preparing to attack it coils and hisses as it reaches a fine point

Where all power enters and light escapes and pools <note the line break I've imposed here>

  in the night    

<don’t capitalize the first letter of a word that begins a new line unless it is the beginning of a new sentence

Strong, descriptive use of language, Randy.

 Lightbulb

Light glistens on my skin.

Glitters like a mirror, reflecting copies of reality.

When I stare into it I see the filament

burning bright orange.

The glass is thin and fragile

like my skin it burns

a warmth that fills your vision.

Like a snake preparing to attack, it coils and hisses

where all power enters and light escapes and pools

  in the night.

Final Fiction Story - Night of the Teenagers

title?

It was a night like any other. The gang was over at Jessie's apartment for drinks, games and maybe a little more. As we <who?<too broad, too early in the story< details create create real people and places, not generalizations< entered the apartment we noticed a thick cloud of smoke rise up through the air. A heavy scent of beer and liquor permeates the air, swirling with a light touch of perfume. These were the scents a guy like me looks for on a night such as this. The night I was going to ask Tiffany to be my girlfriend.

"Dude, there she is. It's Tiffany. Man she's so hot. I mean I'd totally go for her myself if I wasn't already with Monique", <place period inside qmark< Michael says to me as he takes off his sneakers.

Monique was the goth chick talking with Tiffany. She was pretty cute but noghing <nothing? like my girl. In fact, Tiffany was the only girl I ever liked. She was an artist with the looks of a movie star. Michael always said she had looks that could kill. If only he knew her real beauty. I had spoken to Tiffany many times in class <high school or college? at this point time is a factor< and found that despite her obvious beauty she also had great intelligence, wisdom and humor.

"Well, why are you still standing here. Go over to her!"

Michael pushes me toward her. She turns her head toward my direction but I've already scampered off like a frightened deer to acquire some liquid courage. I wasn't ready yet to talk to her this time. Not when I was going to ask her out. I was too shy. I needed something in me before I'd be able to talk to her. <good paragraph to start developing the setting<put your readers where Michael is . . .

I didn't bring my own alcohol or drugs and the only one who seemed to have any was Jessie. Everyone knew Jessie worked at the liquor store so he had tons of booze...the only problem was Jessie didn't much care for me since I was into Tiffany; his girlfriend.  <that's a prob.

"Wow, Neil if you're that shy man I mean there's always beer. Just play some of the games around here. Hell if you're good you'll get a reputation built by the end of the night. I know Tiffany would appreciate a guy who plays a good game of pong."

Michael was right. I know that if Tiffany likes Jessie she'd love me if I were good at all the drinking games. Only, I hate beer. For Tiffany though, I'd do anything. I stumble over half nude teens and empty bottles toward the pong table.

"Dude! Just in time Neil! I need a partner for this game of beer pong. Slap your I.D. on the table and let's throw down!"

I didn't even look at my competition. I just kept tossing the ball. At first I was missing every cup and Travis, my pong partner, was making all the cups for us.

"First game is just practice", <read my mind< he told the other team. "Let's go again, eh?"

The games to follow I was getting much better as I kept drinking. The beer was bitter and warm but I could feel myself relaxing.

"Dude, not bad! You know we may just win this tournament. The prize is a whole bottle of Jack."

"Tournament?!" I shout as the cups are stacked into a wobbly triangle.

The first game of the night we hit every cup without missing. The crowd is so fired up that every one is circling the table, even Tiffany. It was not until our fifth game of the night before I realized Jessie wasn't with her the entire night. I hadn't seen or heard anything about him all night until.

"Last game of the night dude", shouts Michael and Travis. 

Jessie steps up to the table with Tiffany.

"Game on twerp."

Jessie stacks the cups as Tiffany dunks the balls into the water. Michael is shouting something to the extent of me winning the game and impressing Tiffany so much she'd have to say yes to my advances. I can't even breath so much as tell her I love her. How could I? Jessie was right there!

Travis starts stacking our cups as he whispers in my ear, "Dude, take this. It'll guarantee our win."

Travis hands me a new pong ball. It's very heavy, as if weighted with something. The game starts. Travis tosses his ball and it makes it right into the top point of the triangle.

"Nice! Okay man, your turn. Just remember, that ball was my brother's. It won ten tourneys last year. It's been said that he bought it from a gypsy. It's made from a glass eye!"<funny

I look at the pong ball in my fist. It's staring back at me. A gleam shines across the surface as the strobe lights dance over it. The music is so loud I can't even hear my own heart thumping loudly in my chest. I slide the ball from my fingertips.

"Miss. Your first game Neil or are you just naturally terrible at this game?"  <this line doesn't sound right<here's what I think he says: "Miss.  Your first game Neir or do you just naturally suck?" 

Jessie takes his ball and hits the center of our triangle. Tiffany tosses her ball into one of the bottom cups. The game is nearly finished now. Four cups from Travis, three from me, four from Jessie, and four from Tiffany. Three cups on their side and two on ours. It's Travis's turn and he makes the first cup in the line. My turn. I toss the glass eye. <yes! It spins in the air and ensnares the last cup in the line. One cup left. Jessie tosses his ball and makes the left cup. One left. Tiffany's turn.

"Hurry up dear. I wanna finish this one and get you into bed."

Tiffany sneers at Jessie and puts down her ball.

"I'm not your object, jerk."

Walking away, Tiffany lifts a finger for  to Jessie.

"I don't need her! I'll still beat you!"

"Yeah, but since she left, it's my turn."

Travis picks up his ball and I grab his wrist.

"Please Travis. Let me take him down myself."

Travis nods his head, reminds me of the powers of the glass eye and slips me a note. "Place the eye to your forehead and close your eyes. Let the eye see the cup for you. Toss the eye and you'll make the cup. Guaranteed."

I close my eyes and press the eye to my forehead. 'I wish Tiffany would love me as I do her. Let me make this cup. Please."

The eye floats in the air as the crowd watches. The music pumps bass waves through the air and slams the eye right into Jessie's forehead. The eye falls from his face into the cup. The sheer force from the sound waves and force of my toss explodes the cup. The beer pours over the audience  crowd  and a wild frenzy of cheers erupts from the crowd. No one ever beats Jessie.

"No one ever beats Jessie! I'll kill you Neil!"

Jessie pulls out a switchblade from his leather jacket and tears through the crowd. I brace myself for a fight with my enemy as a figure steps into view and catches the blade.

"Tiffany?", <no comma when the dialogue ends in a qmark< I whimper.

"I always knew you were a loser but I never thought you'd sink this low. If you're looking for a fight I have a reason to pick beef with you. let's do it."

As she says this Michael and Travis slink behind her pounding their fists.

"You mess with me and I'm going to take you down!"

Jessie jumps twenty feet into the air off the pong table and slams into me. Tiffany removes her purse and slams him with her Prada bag. It hits him like a bag of bricks. Michael takes his shoes, tied together now, and twirls them into Jessie's side. Travis takes the magic glass eye and twirls it like a poi ball.

"Ugh! Cut it out!"

Jessie throws the three of them off of him. It's just us two now. I pull off my belt and snap it. Jessie throws his knife through the crowd. It falls to the ground as I whip it from the air. My belt snaps around Jessie's wrist and I pull him to the ground. The battle was over before it began. Tiffany stomps him with her heel and grabs me around the waist.

"Neil. I...I..."

I kiss Tiffany passionately as the song changes to something with heavy bass. Her hair washes over us and our vision goes black.<end when the conflict is resolved< what I crossed out is action after the conflict is resolved, so it's unnecessary<

Okay, Randy, excellent start.  Neil is an ordinary character in a very ordinary setting (though I'd like to see more symbolism) who finds something extraordinary that changes her life in a small but very significant way. And your dialogue is outstanding.   This truly carries your story throughout.  Review my comments for direction and start reading the revision modules so that you can begin planning your revisions.  Gary

Gary

We're in Jessie's bed. The party is through. The music drowned in all the beer and smoke. Victorious, I stare at my trophy, slinking out of bed. I go to the bathroom mirror to freshen up. Jessie's standing behind me. My eyes roll back. I'm seeing red. As I crumple to the ground I see Tiffany standing over me with Jessie dead in her arms.

"You did well love. Let's go back to bed. The creep is finally dead."

Night of the Teenagers

It was a night like any other. The gang was over at Jesse's apartment for drinks, games and maybe a little more. As Michael, Travis, myself and a few other of our friends entered the apartment, we noticed a thick cloud of smoke rise up through the air. A heavy scent of beer and liquor permeates the air, swirling with a light touch of perfume. These were the scents a guy like me looks for on a night such as this. The night I was going to ask Tiffany to be my girlfriend.

"Dude, there she is. It's Tiffany. Man she's so hot. I mean I'd totally go for her myself if I wasn't already with Monique," Michael says to me as he takes off his sneakers.

Monique was the goth chick talking with Tiffany. She was pretty cute but nothing like my girl. In fact, Tiffany was the only girl I ever liked. She was an artist with the looks of a movie star. Michael always said she had looks that could kill. If only he knew her real beauty. I had spoken to Tiffany many times in our college English class and found that despite her obvious beauty she also had great intelligence, wisdom and humor.

"Well, why are you still standing here. Go over to her!"

Michael pushes me toward her. She turns her head toward my direction but I've already scampered off like a frightened deer to acquire some liquid courage. I wasn't ready yet to talk to her this time. Not when I was going to ask her out. I was too shy. I needed something in me before I'd be able to talk to her.

I didn't bring my own alcohol or drugs and the only one who seemed to have any was Jesse. Everyone knew Jesse worked at the liquor store so he had tons of booze...the only problem was Jesse didn't much care for me since I was into Tiffany; his girlfriend.

"Wow, Neil if you're that shy man I mean there's always beer. Just play some of the games around here. Hell if you're good you'll get a reputation built by the end of the night. I know Tiffany would appreciate a guy who plays a good game of pong."

Michael was right. I know that if Tiffany likes Jesse she'd love me if I were good at all the drinking games. Only, I hate beer. For Tiffany though, I'd do anything. I stumble over half nude teens and empty bottles toward the pong table.

"Dude! Just in time Neil! I need a partner for this game of beer pong. Slap your I.D. on the table and let's throw down!"

I didn't even look at my competition. I just kept tossing the ball. At first I was missing every cup and Travis, my pong partner, was making all the cups for us.

"First game is just practice," he told the other team. "Let's go again, eh?"

The games to follow I was getting much better as I kept drinking. The beer was bitter and warm but I could feel myself relaxing.

"Dude, not bad! You know we may just win this tournament. The prize is a whole bottle of Jack."

"Tournament?!" I shout as the cups are stacked into a wobbly triangle.

The first game of the night we hit every cup without missing. The crowd is so fired up that every one is circling the table, even Tiffany. It was not until our fifth game of the night before I realized Jesse wasn't with her the entire night. I hadn't seen or heard anything about him all night until.

"Last game of the night dude", shouts Michael and Travis. 

Jesse steps up to the table with Tiffany.

"Game on twerp."

Jesse stacks the cups as Tiffany dunks the balls into the water. Michael is shouting something to the extent of me winning the game and impressing Tiffany so much she'd have to say yes to my advances. I can't even breath so much as tell her I love her. How could I? Jesse was right there!

Travis starts stacking our cups as he whispers in my ear, "Dude, take this. It'll guarantee our win."

Travis hands me a new pong ball. It's very heavy, as if weighted with something. The game starts. Travis tosses his ball and it makes it right into the top point of the triangle.

"Nice! Okay man, your turn. Just remember, that ball was my brother's. It won ten tourneys last year. It's been said that he bought it from a gypsy. It's made from a glass eye!"

I look at the pong ball in my fist. It's staring back at me. A gleam shines across the surface as the strobe lights dance over it. The music is so loud I can't hear my own heart thumping in my chest. I slide the ball from my fingertips.

"Miss. Your first game Neil or do you just naturally suck?" 

Jesse takes his ball and hits the center of our triangle. Tiffany tosses her ball into one of the bottom cups. The game is nearly finished now. Four cups from Travis, three from me, four from Jessie, and four from Tiffany. Three cups on their side and two on ours. It's Travis's turn and he makes the first cup in the line. My turn. I toss the glass eye. It spins in the air and ensnares the last cup in the line. One cup left. Jesse tosses his ball and makes the left cup. One left. Tiffany's turn.

"Hurry up dear. I wanna finish this one and get you into bed."

Tiffany sneers at Jessie and puts down her ball.

"I'm not your object, jerk."

Walking away, Tiffany lifts a finger to Jesse.

"I don't need her! I'll still beat you!"

"Yeah, but since she left, it's my turn."

Travis picks up his ball and I grab his wrist.

"Please Travis. Let me take him down myself."

Travis nods his head, reminds me of the powers of the glass eye and slips me a note. "Place the eye to your forehead and close your eyes. Let the eye see the cup for you. Toss the eye and you'll make the cup. Guaranteed."

I close my eyes and press the eye to my forehead. 'I wish Tiffany would love me as I do her. Let me make this cup. Please."

The eye floats in the air as the crowd watches. The music pumps bass waves through the air and slams the eye right into Jesse's forehead. The eye falls from his face into the cup. The sheer force from the sound waves and my toss explodes the cup. The beer pours over the crowd and a wild frenzy of cheers erupts. No one ever beats Jesse.

"No one ever beats Jesse! I'll kill you Neil!"

Jesse pulls out a switchblade from his leather jacket and tears through the crowd. I brace myself for a fight with my enemy as a figure steps into view and catches the blade.

"Tiffany?" I whimper.

"I always knew you were a loser but I never thought you'd sink this low. If you're looking for a fight let's do it!"

As she says this, Michael and Travis slink behind her; pounding their fists.

"You mess with me and I'm going to take you down!"

Jesse leaps two feet into the air off the pong table and slams into me. Tiffany removes her purse and slams him with her Prada bag. It hits him like a bag of bricks. Michael takes his shoes, tied together now, and twirls them into Jesse's side. Travis takes the magic glass eye and twirls it like a poi ball.

"Ugh! Cut it out!"

Jesse throws the three of them off of him. It's just us two now. I pull off my belt and snap it. Jessie throws his knife through the crowd. It falls to the ground as I whip it from the air. My belt snaps around Jesse's wrist and I pull him to the ground. The battle was over before it began. Tiffany stomps him with her heel and grabs me around the waist.

"Neil. I...I..."

I kiss Tiffany passionately as the song changes to some terrible techno remix of some popular song no one knows. Her hair washes over us and our vision goes black.

Draft Rewriting

Questions for the Playwright (Rewriting)

1.What did you like about your piece?

I liked that my piece played upon the mother and son bond instead of the stereotypical mother and daughter bond. In addition, many parents blame the children or take their anger out on the children but instead my son takes his anger out on his mother who he clearly respected because he has adopted her coping mechanisms.

2. What’s the major conflict? How strong is it?

The major conflict is simply that the mother is beside herself with grief at her husband's death and the son wont let her live it down; blaming her for all that has gone wrong due to anger and confusion.

3. What’s the dramatic action of the play?

The dramatic action of the play is the cigarettes being discovered by the mother. It leads to the most dramatic section where the son sees the mother break down and pray.

4. Did anything confuse you about your play?

I was slightly confused on how to end the play. I had introduced a drug that was intended to be used but never used it; intending that the son gave it up in respect for his mother but it seems odd that he'd have such a change of heart so soon. I feel it would be better, and possibly more light hearted, if he smoked with his mother as they do share a strong bond. The other confusing part was how to introduce some of the concepts between the two characters.

5. What’s the most important image or moment to you in the piece?
The most important moment is when the mother is praying. It's a huge thing for a child to see vulnerability in a parent. It makes them more human and less authoritarian. More likable instead of hard and impersonal.

6. Did your characters all sound the same or like different people with distinct voices?

They each had a distinct voice. One of a mature, concerned adult and the other of a sarcastic and snide youth.

7. What did each character want?

The mother wanted to be forgiven and loved by her son while the son simply wanted answers and attention from his mother. The son was confused by the incident and didn't have any way of making sense of it all. The mother simply didn't have a way to undue the pain and fracture of her family.

8. Are they going after something that is critically important to them?

The son is not going after anything that is critically important to him. Instead, he's waiting for the answers to come to him. He's not trying to put undue stress on his mother and wants to avoid confrontation but lashes out at her due to fear of what the answers could be. The mother on the other hand is trying her best to win back her sons love as she feels he is pulling away from her and she doesn't want to lose what is left of her family.

9. Were the stakes high enough?

Considering the situation, the stakes for the mother were certainly high enough in her mind. The son on the other hand had very little more to lose or gain. He was merely interested in self destruction as a convenient escape from everything that he adapts from his mother's lack of motivation to continue fighting a losing fight with him.

10. What sections made you cringe?

No sectins really made me cringe. I'm not sure if it was supposed to or not but nothing was really cringe worthy except when Helen finds the cigarettes but even that seemed somewhat tame.

11. Which ones surprised you?

Both characters are meant to surprise the reader. It's unexpected that Jake would relinquish his anger so easily and somewhat surprising Helen would fall apart so suddenly.

12. Explain what the play is about in one or two sentences. (The clearer you are, the clearer it will be in the play.)

The play is about a mother and son's relationship after the death of her husband Tom. As each one strives toward their respective goals they each find comfort in each other's company while they sort out the gory details for themselves in order to move forward.

13. Is there anything you’d like to see more of? (A more developed relationship? More specific

behavior from a character? Stronger needs?)

I'd like to see a stronger need from the son and perhaps more variation in the relationship between the mother and son.

14. Were there any loose ends? (Is something introduced in the play that kind of drifts away?)

The introduction of the weed slips by somewhat fast and that somewhat bothers me.