title?
It was a night like any other. The gang was over at Jessie's apartment for drinks, games and maybe a little more. As we <who?<too broad, too early in the story< details create create real people and places, not generalizations< entered the apartment we noticed a thick cloud of smoke rise up through the air. A heavy scent of beer and liquor permeates the air, swirling with a light touch of perfume. These were the scents a guy like me looks for on a night such as this. The night I was going to ask Tiffany to be my girlfriend.
"Dude, there she is. It's Tiffany. Man she's so hot. I mean I'd totally go for her myself if I wasn't already with Monique", <place period inside qmark< Michael says to me as he takes off his sneakers.
Monique was the goth chick talking with Tiffany. She was pretty cute but noghing <nothing? like my girl. In fact, Tiffany was the only girl I ever liked. She was an artist with the looks of a movie star. Michael always said she had looks that could kill. If only he knew her real beauty. I had spoken to Tiffany many times in class <high school or college? at this point time is a factor< and found that despite her obvious beauty she also had great intelligence, wisdom and humor.
"Well, why are you still standing here. Go over to her!"
Michael pushes me toward her. She turns her head toward my direction but I've already scampered off like a frightened deer to acquire some liquid courage. I wasn't ready yet to talk to her this time. Not when I was going to ask her out. I was too shy. I needed something in me before I'd be able to talk to her. <good paragraph to start developing the setting<put your readers where Michael is . . .
I didn't bring my own alcohol or drugs and the only one who seemed to have any was Jessie. Everyone knew Jessie worked at the liquor store so he had tons of booze...the only problem was Jessie didn't much care for me since I was into Tiffany; his girlfriend. <that's a prob.
"Wow, Neil if you're that shy man I mean there's always beer. Just play some of the games around here. Hell if you're good you'll get a reputation built by the end of the night. I know Tiffany would appreciate a guy who plays a good game of pong."
Michael was right. I know that if Tiffany likes Jessie she'd love me if I were good at all the drinking games. Only, I hate beer. For Tiffany though, I'd do anything. I stumble over half nude teens and empty bottles toward the pong table.
"Dude! Just in time Neil! I need a partner for this game of beer pong. Slap your I.D. on the table and let's throw down!"
I didn't even look at my competition. I just kept tossing the ball. At first I was missing every cup and Travis, my pong partner, was making all the cups for us.
"First game is just practice", <read my mind< he told the other team. "Let's go again, eh?"
The games to follow I was getting much better as I kept drinking. The beer was bitter and warm but I could feel myself relaxing.
"Dude, not bad! You know we may just win this tournament. The prize is a whole bottle of Jack."
"Tournament?!" I shout as the cups are stacked into a wobbly triangle.
The first game of the night we hit every cup without missing. The crowd is so fired up that every one is circling the table, even Tiffany. It was not until our fifth game of the night before I realized Jessie wasn't with her the entire night. I hadn't seen or heard anything about him all night until.
"Last game of the night dude", shouts Michael and Travis.
Jessie steps up to the table with Tiffany.
"Game on twerp."
Jessie stacks the cups as Tiffany dunks the balls into the water. Michael is shouting something to the extent of me winning the game and impressing Tiffany so much she'd have to say yes to my advances. I can't even breath so much as tell her I love her. How could I? Jessie was right there!
Travis starts stacking our cups as he whispers in my ear, "Dude, take this. It'll guarantee our win."
Travis hands me a new pong ball. It's very heavy, as if weighted with something. The game starts. Travis tosses his ball and it makes it right into the top point of the triangle.
"Nice! Okay man, your turn. Just remember, that ball was my brother's. It won ten tourneys last year. It's been said that he bought it from a gypsy. It's made from a glass eye!"<funny
I look at the pong ball in my fist. It's staring back at me. A gleam shines across the surface as the strobe lights dance over it. The music is so loud I can't even hear my own heart thumping loudly in my chest. I slide the ball from my fingertips.
"Miss. Your first game Neil or are you just naturally terrible at this game?" <this line doesn't sound right<here's what I think he says: "Miss. Your first game Neir or do you just naturally suck?"
Jessie takes his ball and hits the center of our triangle. Tiffany tosses her ball into one of the bottom cups. The game is nearly finished now. Four cups from Travis, three from me, four from Jessie, and four from Tiffany. Three cups on their side and two on ours. It's Travis's turn and he makes the first cup in the line. My turn. I toss the glass eye. <yes! It spins in the air and ensnares the last cup in the line. One cup left. Jessie tosses his ball and makes the left cup. One left. Tiffany's turn.
"Hurry up dear. I wanna finish this one and get you into bed."
Tiffany sneers at Jessie and puts down her ball.
"I'm not your object, jerk."
Walking away, Tiffany lifts a finger for to Jessie.
"I don't need her! I'll still beat you!"
"Yeah, but since she left, it's my turn."
Travis picks up his ball and I grab his wrist.
"Please Travis. Let me take him down myself."
Travis nods his head, reminds me of the powers of the glass eye and slips me a note. "Place the eye to your forehead and close your eyes. Let the eye see the cup for you. Toss the eye and you'll make the cup. Guaranteed."
I close my eyes and press the eye to my forehead. 'I wish Tiffany would love me as I do her. Let me make this cup. Please."
The eye floats in the air as the crowd watches. The music pumps bass waves through the air and slams the eye right into Jessie's forehead. The eye falls from his face into the cup. The sheer force from the sound waves and force of my toss explodes the cup. The beer pours over the audience crowd and a wild frenzy of cheers erupts from the crowd. No one ever beats Jessie.
"No one ever beats Jessie! I'll kill you Neil!"
Jessie pulls out a switchblade from his leather jacket and tears through the crowd. I brace myself for a fight with my enemy as a figure steps into view and catches the blade.
"Tiffany?", <no comma when the dialogue ends in a qmark< I whimper.
"I always knew you were a loser but I never thought you'd sink this low. If you're looking for a fight I have a reason to pick beef with you. let's do it."
As she says this Michael and Travis slink behind her pounding their fists.
"You mess with me and I'm going to take you down!"
Jessie jumps twenty feet into the air off the pong table and slams into me. Tiffany removes her purse and slams him with her Prada bag. It hits him like a bag of bricks. Michael takes his shoes, tied together now, and twirls them into Jessie's side. Travis takes the magic glass eye and twirls it like a poi ball.
"Ugh! Cut it out!"
Jessie throws the three of them off of him. It's just us two now. I pull off my belt and snap it. Jessie throws his knife through the crowd. It falls to the ground as I whip it from the air. My belt snaps around Jessie's wrist and I pull him to the ground. The battle was over before it began. Tiffany stomps him with her heel and grabs me around the waist.
"Neil. I...I..."
I kiss Tiffany passionately as the song changes to something with heavy bass. Her hair washes over us and our vision goes black.<end when the conflict is resolved< what I crossed out is action after the conflict is resolved, so it's unnecessary<
Okay, Randy, excellent start. Neil is an ordinary character in a very ordinary setting (though I'd like to see more symbolism) who finds something extraordinary that changes her life in a small but very significant way. And your dialogue is outstanding. This truly carries your story throughout. Review my comments for direction and start reading the revision modules so that you can begin planning your revisions. Gary
Gary
We're in Jessie's bed. The party is through. The music drowned in all the beer and smoke. Victorious, I stare at my trophy, slinking out of bed. I go to the bathroom mirror to freshen up. Jessie's standing behind me. My eyes roll back. I'm seeing red. As I crumple to the ground I see Tiffany standing over me with Jessie dead in her arms.
"You did well love. Let's go back to bed. The creep is finally dead."
Night of the Teenagers
It was a night like any other. The gang was over at Jesse's apartment for drinks, games and maybe a little more. As Michael, Travis, myself and a few other of our friends entered the apartment, we noticed a thick cloud of smoke rise up through the air. A heavy scent of beer and liquor permeates the air, swirling with a light touch of perfume. These were the scents a guy like me looks for on a night such as this. The night I was going to ask Tiffany to be my girlfriend.
"Dude, there she is. It's Tiffany. Man she's so hot. I mean I'd totally go for her myself if I wasn't already with Monique," Michael says to me as he takes off his sneakers.
Monique was the goth chick talking with Tiffany. She was pretty cute but nothing like my girl. In fact, Tiffany was the only girl I ever liked. She was an artist with the looks of a movie star. Michael always said she had looks that could kill. If only he knew her real beauty. I had spoken to Tiffany many times in our college English class and found that despite her obvious beauty she also had great intelligence, wisdom and humor.
"Well, why are you still standing here. Go over to her!"
Michael pushes me toward her. She turns her head toward my direction but I've already scampered off like a frightened deer to acquire some liquid courage. I wasn't ready yet to talk to her this time. Not when I was going to ask her out. I was too shy. I needed something in me before I'd be able to talk to her.
I didn't bring my own alcohol or drugs and the only one who seemed to have any was Jesse. Everyone knew Jesse worked at the liquor store so he had tons of booze...the only problem was Jesse didn't much care for me since I was into Tiffany; his girlfriend.
"Wow, Neil if you're that shy man I mean there's always beer. Just play some of the games around here. Hell if you're good you'll get a reputation built by the end of the night. I know Tiffany would appreciate a guy who plays a good game of pong."
Michael was right. I know that if Tiffany likes Jesse she'd love me if I were good at all the drinking games. Only, I hate beer. For Tiffany though, I'd do anything. I stumble over half nude teens and empty bottles toward the pong table.
"Dude! Just in time Neil! I need a partner for this game of beer pong. Slap your I.D. on the table and let's throw down!"
I didn't even look at my competition. I just kept tossing the ball. At first I was missing every cup and Travis, my pong partner, was making all the cups for us.
"First game is just practice," he told the other team. "Let's go again, eh?"
The games to follow I was getting much better as I kept drinking. The beer was bitter and warm but I could feel myself relaxing.
"Dude, not bad! You know we may just win this tournament. The prize is a whole bottle of Jack."
"Tournament?!" I shout as the cups are stacked into a wobbly triangle.
The first game of the night we hit every cup without missing. The crowd is so fired up that every one is circling the table, even Tiffany. It was not until our fifth game of the night before I realized Jesse wasn't with her the entire night. I hadn't seen or heard anything about him all night until.
"Last game of the night dude", shouts Michael and Travis.
Jesse steps up to the table with Tiffany.
"Game on twerp."
Jesse stacks the cups as Tiffany dunks the balls into the water. Michael is shouting something to the extent of me winning the game and impressing Tiffany so much she'd have to say yes to my advances. I can't even breath so much as tell her I love her. How could I? Jesse was right there!
Travis starts stacking our cups as he whispers in my ear, "Dude, take this. It'll guarantee our win."
Travis hands me a new pong ball. It's very heavy, as if weighted with something. The game starts. Travis tosses his ball and it makes it right into the top point of the triangle.
"Nice! Okay man, your turn. Just remember, that ball was my brother's. It won ten tourneys last year. It's been said that he bought it from a gypsy. It's made from a glass eye!"
I look at the pong ball in my fist. It's staring back at me. A gleam shines across the surface as the strobe lights dance over it. The music is so loud I can't hear my own heart thumping in my chest. I slide the ball from my fingertips.
"Miss. Your first game Neil or do you just naturally suck?"
Jesse takes his ball and hits the center of our triangle. Tiffany tosses her ball into one of the bottom cups. The game is nearly finished now. Four cups from Travis, three from me, four from Jessie, and four from Tiffany. Three cups on their side and two on ours. It's Travis's turn and he makes the first cup in the line. My turn. I toss the glass eye. It spins in the air and ensnares the last cup in the line. One cup left. Jesse tosses his ball and makes the left cup. One left. Tiffany's turn.
"Hurry up dear. I wanna finish this one and get you into bed."
Tiffany sneers at Jessie and puts down her ball.
"I'm not your object, jerk."
Walking away, Tiffany lifts a finger to Jesse.
"I don't need her! I'll still beat you!"
"Yeah, but since she left, it's my turn."
Travis picks up his ball and I grab his wrist.
"Please Travis. Let me take him down myself."
Travis nods his head, reminds me of the powers of the glass eye and slips me a note. "Place the eye to your forehead and close your eyes. Let the eye see the cup for you. Toss the eye and you'll make the cup. Guaranteed."
I close my eyes and press the eye to my forehead. 'I wish Tiffany would love me as I do her. Let me make this cup. Please."
The eye floats in the air as the crowd watches. The music pumps bass waves through the air and slams the eye right into Jesse's forehead. The eye falls from his face into the cup. The sheer force from the sound waves and my toss explodes the cup. The beer pours over the crowd and a wild frenzy of cheers erupts. No one ever beats Jesse.
"No one ever beats Jesse! I'll kill you Neil!"
Jesse pulls out a switchblade from his leather jacket and tears through the crowd. I brace myself for a fight with my enemy as a figure steps into view and catches the blade.
"Tiffany?" I whimper.
"I always knew you were a loser but I never thought you'd sink this low. If you're looking for a fight let's do it!"
As she says this, Michael and Travis slink behind her; pounding their fists.
"You mess with me and I'm going to take you down!"
Jesse leaps two feet into the air off the pong table and slams into me. Tiffany removes her purse and slams him with her Prada bag. It hits him like a bag of bricks. Michael takes his shoes, tied together now, and twirls them into Jesse's side. Travis takes the magic glass eye and twirls it like a poi ball.
"Ugh! Cut it out!"
Jesse throws the three of them off of him. It's just us two now. I pull off my belt and snap it. Jessie throws his knife through the crowd. It falls to the ground as I whip it from the air. My belt snaps around Jesse's wrist and I pull him to the ground. The battle was over before it began. Tiffany stomps him with her heel and grabs me around the waist.
"Neil. I...I..."
I kiss Tiffany passionately as the song changes to some terrible techno remix of some popular song no one knows. Her hair washes over us and our vision goes black.
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